Happy Lunar New Year, betch! It’s officially the Year of the Pig and the stars say that this weekend is the perfect time to connect with your inner pig, aka get messy as hell. Take that last tequila shot! Send that risky text! Rob a f*cking bank!!!*
*Betches Media is not responsible for any banks robbed as a result of this post.
Read your weekend horoscopes to see what the cosmos have in store for you and your sign.
You’re feeling new age-y as f*ck this weekend, Aries, so why not hit up your nearest vegan crystal reiki superstore and start cultivating some good energy? Why not call up your one friend who’s like, super into tarot and schedule a reading? (We all have that friend.) Anything that can connect you with the beyond. Is all that stuff low-key bullsh*t? IDK, but you’re the one who is literally reading a horoscope right now so who are you to judge?
The Year of the Pig is kind of huge for you Taurus because you’re an Earth sign, and YOTP’s full name is Year of the Earth Pig. So wtf is an Earth Pig? This weekend it’s your mission find out. What does being an Earth Pig mean to you? How will you connect to your inner Earth Pig this year? Does any of this make any sense? Time to work out all these thoughts on your vision board. (We all know you have a vision board.)
The Lunar New Year should honestly be called the Gemini New Year because, just like the moon, you change every 30 days. Right now Mercury—aka your ruling planet—is chilling in your tenth house of career, meaning it is time to network the sh*t out of yourself. Luckily for you, this weekend will provide ample opportunities to advance your career over cocktails, which I think is the technical definition of leaning in.
You hear that? That’s the sound of your direct deposit hitting, Cancer. The stars are aligned for you to actually have some money for once, and the new moon is in your eighth house of seduction which can only mean one thing—it’s time to go all in on Valentine’s Day. If you’re in a relationship, spend the weekend making reservations and planning the V-tines of your dreams. If you’re single, do the same damn thing but without having to pretend you care what your significant other wants to do.
Why so shady Leo? Mercury is in your eighth house making you feel (and act) sneaky as f*ck. To prevent yourself from going overboard and becoming the subject of a Netflix documentary, try keeping your desire to creep confined to the internet. Online stalking is much better than like, actual stalking. Just be extra careful not to ‘like’ your ex’s sister’s boyfriend’s post from three years ago. So embarrassing.
What is this feeling? Is it…the desire to be social? The onset of the Year of the Pig has you feeling like connecting with other humans, Virgo, and you’d better take advantage of it. Plan a little get together at your place or hit up the group chat and tell everyone to meet at the bar. Hell, you could even lie and tell everyone it’s your birthday if you have to. Whatever you need to do to capitalize on this sudden social feeling.
This weekend is for fun…damentally changing how you’ve lived your life up to this point. Sorry to be harsh, but it’s true. Time to finally download one of those finance apps that shows you how you’re spending (read: wasting) all your money, but don’t worry. There’s a silver lining. What’s the point of downloading the app if you’re not gonna show it what a typical weekend in your life is like? And by “typical” I mean “a complete train wreck.”
Home is where the heart is, and home is where you are this weekend, Scorpio. Consider this permission to cancel all your plans (lucky you) and spend the entire weekend in binge-watching bliss. If you haven’t seen Russian Doll on Netflix, then the only person you need this weekend is Natasha Lyonne. If you have seen Russian Doll, why not watch it again and look for clues? It’s not “doing nothing all day” if you’re actually solving a mystery.
Mercury has you in the mood to spill tea…on yourself. It’s time for you to unload all your personal secrets, most likely after a few glasses of wine. It’s gonna happen. Just accept that. Now all you have to do is pick the best person for you to spill all your secrets to. Just be sure it’s not someone you met on a dating app two days ago.
The Lunar New Year is giving you studying-on-Adderall levels of energy this weekend Capricorn, so why not get ambitious? If there’s a bar/club/hot person you’ve been meaning to check out that’s just a little too far away, this is the weekend to make the trek. Just be prepared to shell out money for the long Uber home.
Hey! Hey you! Aquarius! **snaps fingers ** Ugh, finally. You’re freshman geometry class levels of distracted this weekend, so maybe put aside the major projects for another time. Nobody wants a half Marie Kondo-ed apartment going into Monday morning, and any Pinterest project you start is guaranteed to look like it was made by a one-handed two-year-old. Save the important sh*t for another day and dedicate this weekend to easy to accomplish tasks like having three glasses of wine by 4pm.
This weekend you *are* gonna be that girl who has one drink and starts telling everyone about her life goals. Sorry, but that’s just your Lunar New Year vibe. Maybe hit up one of your more career-oriented friends (you know, the one who is “in law school” or some sh*t) and set up drinks so you can both discuss your five-year plans at length. This will help you avoid subjecting anyone else to your hopes and dreams.
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